[Thursday May 4th, 2006 4:02am] so i just want to crawl into the nearest hole and die... why you ask... well my semi-girlfriend who i've had since the end of february just lost her father, how does that put me into the mood i'm in... well i decided to dump her the same day. yes i'm a huge asshole, but she really did have it coming -- she had been cheating on me since day one of us being together.. first it was with her ex boyfriend mike... and this had been going on for atleast a month before someone told me... and when i found out i forgave her and gave her another chance... well that next weekend, after me finding out about it.. she sleeps with her ex boyfriends room mate, warren... and actually lets him climax in her... now.. the only reason i know about that, is by mistake. i picked up her journal, which i honestly thought was a poetry book, bc she keeps like a million and one of those laying around her room..... well i just so happened to turn it to that page.. and yeah. well now i have a new girlfriend... one who wont cheat on me and whatnot, but i cant help but feel horrible... why, bc i just got off the phone with diana, and was told that i have a cold heart, and that she doesnt even think it beats... well i was really in love with this girl... i truly was... but like, she lied to me, hid things, omitted things... and cheated... i mean fuck! now when i think about her i get this sour feeling in the pit of my stomach... of just hate. but she made me feel so terrible.. i really should be there for her.. but how can i do that when i cant even look her in the eyes without feeling hatred towards her? *sigh* i need sleep. and 2 to blame | shot through the heart

[Friday March 17th, 2006 4:37pm] When you Said Forever The residue of all our yesterdays, is acrid and indelible along the wretched scent of your every aspect. The imprint you’ve left in the sleepless mattress. All the million minutes you spent, dead – phase drunk in my bed. heart broken again. I am left alone in the space where you were meant to lay. This dispassionate young boy is again, betrayed. Pricking the ends of his frail fingers. Tearing away the covering in onion layers, and the calamity of burning eyes, tears in every cut of the chopping board. And it is on this day he signed the last words. In illegible red letters rectifying the will, “Forever Is an impossible place” and 1 to blame | shot through the heart

[Saturday March 11th, 2006 7:53pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | the agony scene - sacrafice ] i think of her in the utmost respect. she is the kind of girl i onced wished i could give my whole life to, but my young optimism witheld my vision. i've grown, now. i'm not stupid like i was, and could never see myself in love with someone like her now. she is the beautiful kind, but even the word beautiful doesn't do her justice. she's a close friend, now. i think because we have so much in common. the way with which we speak to each other is in pure reflection; we should have met years ago. i don't know if she feels this way. i understand every word she thinks and feels. and as she reads this, i wonder if she'll guess her on identity. she would do that, aferall. she's so sophisticated, refined, yet, she's silly, too.. and 2 to blame | shot through the heart

[Monday March 6th, 2006 12:38pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Sullivan - Promise Me ] i've decided it's best if i take a little retreat for awhile. it seems like everyone assumes i am out to steal souls eat them alive. that isn't really the case. i'm sure you all understand. i will find you, and watch you if i want to. if not, well, it isn't personal, i just don't feel like being a scapegoat, nor a motive, and i especially don't want to be a cause. so everyone go about their merry lives, and be well. i never wanted to be in the center, anyway. you put me there, or, maybe i put myself there unintentionally. but either way, adios. and 2 to blame | shot through the heart

[Wednesday March 1st, 2006 12:50pm] [ mood | indifferent ] [ music | Protest the Hero - Turn Soonest To The Sea ] pain is NOT all i've ever felt. i remember how the thought of death use to enchant me, and i wanted to die so badly. but i think that if that were true, i would be dead by now. i would not be here, writing sulky words. i would not be entranced by my cursor, my computer screen, nagging my brain for things i want to say. i've never been fully happy, either. i think euphoria is a strange venom, because it strikes in dreamy dazes, we become visionless in it's rarity. it consumes, and once it's phase is finished, we return to the state of constance in which we were bred. i have this tendency to show people my feelings, and rarely give the purpose. most of the reasons i feel something a certain way are sort of meek and inane, and that i am a rather emotive being boiling over my inner gauntlet. but, it is also arguable that the fact i feel this way is reason enough. But i don't agree. i think most situations are to be met with certain feelings and others, to be less affecting, but, i can never seem to find mastery in any of these arts. the art of being emotionally controlled, especially. i don't know if i'll ever be sane, or anything. but, the pipedreams will center me, take me somewhere better. and 1 to blame | shot through the heart

[Tuesday February 28th, 2006 7:23pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | underOATH - Walking Away ] ambitionless has become the way to describe much of livejournal, lately. well, while i shouldn't reflect this disposition, i do. i do not hurt, however, i just don't feel like doing anything. stagnation taps in. today was an amazing day, though. i went to my aunt stella's funeral, had a great time, ate at a class resteraunt in my everyday clothes, made a ginger bread house, saw family, had fun with khaelie and my mom, and whored my new cell phone. that's a lot for one day, though. i am not an ounce tired, however. khaelie and i might be going to north carolina for spring break because randal, tom, and brent are having, basically, a week long party. it'll be great! i'm so incredibly elated right now. it's unreal. but don't worry. i'll be neurotic again soon enough, whenever my manic phase decides to stop. shot through the heart

[Sunday February 26th, 2006 12:43am] [ mood | pleased ] [ music | from autumn to ashes - kansas city 90210 ] "sin" sprawled out on your floor eyes closed breathing melting sinking into a song letting my body comfortably seep into the ground i am relaxed, and i want to stay this way forever. volume increase i begin to float back to my original position on your carpeted floor. we're both awake side by side my fingers crawl to your hand interlock sigh and grin the clock moves to an hour later when suddenly something amazing happens skin revealed two chests pressed together in a satisfying mold. laughter kissing touching onto the bed underneath several sheets time to live again... and this is what i live for. the benefits of infatuation my clothes are off you see me all not just what is within i'm giving you so much, it's a sin. and 2 to blame | shot through the heart

[Friday February 24th, 2006 9:42pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | as cities burn - wake dead man, wake ] my tired eyes graze the cracks planted deeply in the pavement. i wonder if those were from the fourteen year old girl who drove the car right through the front of the coffee shop. i imagine the tires slipping uncontrollably into the curb, the SUV lifting in the air for a split second, then the sudden blow of the car's hood shattering through the glass. i hear the panicked screaming of the startled parents, the young girls frightened and bewildered face... and i laugh. coffee and cigarettes remind me of depression. shot through the heart

[Friday February 24th, 2006 11:22am] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | cartel - honestly ] not writing at all is far more simple than trying to search the words for a description of what i'm going through. and 2 to blame | shot through the heart

my view of self will always be more important than the views of anyone else [Thursday February 23rd, 2006 12:41am] [ mood | blah ] i've always seen my past as something sort of subjective. for me, there are plenty of things i've just kind of dimmed from my memory; usually because what is hurtful for me is not hurtful for anyone else. most people are able to recollect the grand aspects of their childhoods in a rosey, sepia tinted film light. well, i'm afraid i've remembered everything. i haven't had a terribly troubling life, atleast not until i turned twelve. i don't think things really started to go wrong until i hit puberty. once i lost my childhood, i really lost it, and no, that is not just per se. it is the full-fledged ugly duckling effect, and i didn't lose my eccentricity until i started to accept it. nobody really values what they have until they nearly lose it, and i assure you, i've gone from losing it all, gaining it back, and losing it again. i have no value that is too high a price to seek anymore. sometimes, i kind of vaguely miss anesthetics because they are terribly numbing, but most times, when i'm intoxicated, i miss knowing what experience is like. shot through the heart

never ask why, we say goodbye.... [Tuesday February 21st, 2006 12:08pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | the class of 98 - pretend i'm okay ] i was browsing through some old online journals of mine, and found this less than flattering poem. eroded film strips plastered to a frail screen we're solidly glued watching fatuous forms play their parts you've always occurred as a melodramatic solitude slit tragic hero whose book is wide open stuffed with cray paper torn on the corners words falling off their fragile pages i've only been a faint-hearted soul re-wiring the workings of those she swears she hurts with nowhere to dispose of her dreams the tale of star-crossed visionaries who resolute to grasp the concept of nothing beyond the places where prosperity is a value too high to keep we watch like mindless viewers patronage to tell a story there's no way to revive this weary image love's lost it's glory i was nineteen when it was written. funny the outlooks we may have once held can transform in the matter of a few years. god knows what i'll be like a few years from now. i'm sick, very flu-like, but i don't mind. i like doing nothing but laying in bed and reading, and having an excuse. ( survey, yo ) everyone go do this.. it seems interesting. http://kevan.org/johari?name=infelicity and 4 to blame | shot through the heart

[Saturday February 18th, 2006 11:08am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | men woman and children - photosynthesis ] i've always been fascinated with bipolar disorder, especially since i believe it has a notion of humanism. we are all wavering, some more so then others, and to diagnose this as an infestation, a disease, is silly to me. of course, all of these instances of mood intensity are different. what i consider silly in my own light might be a burden for someone else, it all depends on situation. my most recent ex diagnosed me with manic depression, i feel it isn't accurate. i do believe it's a disease, such as depression, but i just don't see how ridding of it will do myself any good. medication is not an option in my case, i have learned, because most of them just leave me sicker. i decided my issues are not based on chemical imbalances, but rather, my perception of them. for those of you who haven't met me in real life (the vast majority), by my caustic journal entries, you would probably think of me as a downcast pessimist who usually keeps to themselves. that is an aspect of who i am, though, not my only face. for those of you who have, you would probably describe me as humorous, outspoken, childlike, wide eyed, dream-like, and freakishly friendly when i'm in a good mood. a naturally high person. i am a constantly wavering person. i do have bipolar disorder, i've just never seen it as a disorder. i try to deal with my wavering as it comes, full heartedly living it in every aspect the drugs make me sick and the helpful conversations make me dwell. i like living like this better because everything feels worthwhile. and 1 to blame | shot through the heart

[Wednesday February 15th, 2006 12:48pm] [ mood | working ] Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real" You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get What Does Your Candy Heart Say? shot through the heart

[Sunday February 12th, 2006 1:22am] [ music | anadivine - capitol arrangement ] i feel like an insomniac. more drugs. more bad things, and though i will fail in explaining them. it's one of those moments that words cannot explain, and that only visuals will be of use, but everything is futile. everything is infinitely shameful. i feel like i've let myself slip through my morals. i gave a random girl my cell phone number. i guess because honestly, i don't want to be hooked on any one person anymore. it's probably better since i'm branching out that i don't pay attention to one person. she did call. she called twice today. she wants to meet me right now. she just wants sex. she actually thinks she’ll get some. from ME! how amusing. i don’t really know why i’m even still writing. i have nothing profound to say; i just feel rejected. shot through the heart

[Saturday February 11th, 2006 1:53pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | achilles - every hour wounds, the last one kills ] valentine's day is such a trite, silly holiday. i simply don't get anything out of it, in a relationship or not.. and 2 to blame | shot through the heart

[Saturday February 11th, 2006 12:49am] [ mood | restless ] [ music | take the crown - hourglass ] saw ghostland observatory tonight.. i have to say i was quite impressed with their performance. on the 22nd, honorary title is in austin, so i may go check them out. other than that.. nothing. i may sit on aim for an hour or so, hopefully i'll become somewhat tired.. more and likely not though. i've been really restless as of late. eh.. here's a quiz i just took. ( the person i am inside ) and 2 to blame | shot through the heart

[Friday February 10th, 2006 10:58am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | novice - the distance ] top five names for my kids [if i ever have them]: girls: 1. ariadne 2. versaila 3. winter-jade 4. anala 5. analila boys: 1. skye 2. gabriel 3. christian 4. elijah 5. ira and 4 to blame | shot through the heart

[Thursday February 9th, 2006 4:04pm] [ music | pistolita - big shot ] i'm so hungry. i can tell what all of this will do. i can barely live with myself afterwards. if she leaves me, i'll move on, as i always move on. i will drink, as i always drink. i will ache as i always ache. losing her is just a denial, as if it isn't self induced. i am not a person who can be left crippled ever again by a girl. i am not the same person i was a year ago because it's true that whatever love was left in me has stumbled, and died. i cut it out. do i think i've had enough? honestly, i've had too much. maybe this is just a process of mourning in which i persecute myself for my own imprudence, but, it was my fault to begin with. no amount of exceeding intelligence can change that. next time i shall not mix drugs so heavily, for in this state, i am all too honest to want to lie to myself about how i am victimized. i was never a victim. this is all my fault. shot through the heart

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