its emotions with no output;;

Thu, 04 May 2006 09:11:21 GMT

so i just want to crawl into the nearest hole and die...

why you ask...
well my semi-girlfriend who i've had since the end of february just lost her father,
how does that put me into the mood i'm in... well i decided to dump her the same day.
yes i'm a huge asshole, but she really did have it coming -- she had been cheating on me since
day one of us being together.. first it was with her ex boyfriend mike... and this had been going
on for atleast a month before someone told me... and when i found out i forgave her and gave her another
chance... well that next weekend, after me finding out about it.. she sleeps with her ex boyfriends room mate, warren... and actually lets him climax in her...

now.. the only reason i know about that, is by mistake. i picked up her journal, which i honestly
thought was a poetry book, bc she keeps like a million and one of those laying around her room.....
well i just so happened to turn it to that page.. and yeah.

well now i have a new girlfriend... one who wont cheat on me and whatnot, but i cant help but feel horrible... why, bc i just got off the phone with diana, and was told that i have a cold heart, and
that she doesnt even think it beats... well i was really in love with this girl... i truly was... but like, she lied to me, hid things, omitted things... and cheated... i mean fuck! now when i think about her i get this sour feeling in the pit of my stomach... of just hate.

but she made me feel so terrible.. i really should be there for her..
but how can i do that when i cant even look her in the eyes without feeling hatred towards her?

*sigh*

i need sleep.

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 22:37:54 GMT

When you Said Forever

The residue of all our yesterdays,
is acrid and indelible
along the wretched scent
of your every aspect.
The imprint you’ve left
in the sleepless mattress.
All the million minutes
you spent,
dead – phase drunk
in my bed.

heart broken again.

I am left alone
in the space
where you were meant to lay.

This dispassionate young boy
is again, betrayed.

Pricking the ends
of his frail fingers.
Tearing away the covering
in onion layers,
and the calamity
of burning eyes, tears
in every cut
of the chopping board.

And it is on this day
he signed the last words.
In illegible red letters
rectifying the will,

“Forever
Is an impossible place”

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 01:57:41 GMT

i think of her in the utmost respect. she is the kind of girl i onced wished i could give my whole life to, but my young optimism witheld my vision. i've grown, now. i'm not stupid like i was, and could never see myself in love with someone like her now. she is the beautiful kind, but even the word beautiful doesn't do her justice.

she's a close friend, now. i think because we have so much in common. the way with which we speak to each other is in pure reflection; we should have met years ago. i don't know if she feels this way.

i understand every word she thinks and feels. and as she reads this, i wonder if she'll guess her on identity. she would do that, aferall. she's so sophisticated, refined, yet, she's silly, too..

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 18:39:55 GMT

i've decided it's best if i take a little retreat for awhile. it seems like everyone assumes i am out to steal souls eat them alive. that isn't really the case. i'm sure you all understand. i will find you, and watch you if i want to. if not, well, it isn't personal, i just don't feel like being a scapegoat, nor a motive, and i especially don't want to be a cause.

so everyone go about their merry lives, and be well. i never wanted to be in the center, anyway.

you put me there, or, maybe i put myself there unintentionally. but either way, adios.

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 18:56:47 GMT

pain is NOT all i've ever felt.

i remember how the thought of death use to enchant me, and i wanted to die so badly. but i think that if that were true, i would be dead by now. i would not be here, writing sulky words. i would not be entranced by my cursor, my computer screen, nagging my brain for things i want to say.

i've never been fully happy, either.

i think euphoria is a strange venom, because it strikes in dreamy dazes, we become visionless in it's rarity. it consumes, and once it's phase is finished, we return to the state of constance in which we were bred.

i have this tendency to show people my feelings, and rarely give the purpose. most of the reasons i feel something a certain way are sort of meek and inane, and that i am a rather emotive being boiling over my inner gauntlet.

but, it is also arguable that the fact i feel this way is reason enough. But i don't agree.

i think most situations are to be met with certain feelings and others, to be less affecting, but, i can never seem to find mastery in any of these arts. the art of being emotionally controlled, especially.

i don't know if i'll ever be sane, or anything. but, the pipedreams will center me, take me somewhere better.

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 01:29:14 GMT

ambitionless has become the way to describe much of livejournal, lately. well, while i shouldn't reflect this disposition, i do. i do not hurt, however, i just don't feel like doing anything.

stagnation taps in.

today was an amazing day, though. i went to my aunt stella's funeral, had a great time, ate at a class resteraunt in my everyday clothes, made a ginger bread house, saw family, had fun with khaelie and my mom, and whored my new cell phone.

that's a lot for one day, though. i am not an ounce tired, however.

khaelie and i might be going to north carolina for spring break because randal, tom, and brent are having, basically, a week long party. it'll be great! i'm so incredibly elated right now. it's unreal.

but don't worry. i'll be neurotic again soon enough, whenever my manic phase decides to stop.

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 06:48:35 GMT

"sin"

sprawled out
on your floor
eyes closed
breathing
melting
sinking
into a song
letting my body
comfortably
seep into the ground
i am
relaxed,
and i want to stay
this way forever.
volume increase
i begin to float
back to my original
position
on your carpeted floor.
we're both awake
side by side
my fingers crawl
to your hand
interlock
sigh and grin
the clock moves
to an hour later
when suddenly
something amazing happens
skin revealed
two chests
pressed together
in a satisfying mold.
laughter
kissing
touching
onto the bed
underneath several sheets
time to live again...
and this is what i live for.
the benefits of infatuation
my clothes are off
you see me all
not just what is
within
i'm giving you so much,
it's a sin.

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 03:45:19 GMT

my tired eyes graze the cracks planted deeply in the pavement. i wonder if those were from the fourteen year old girl who drove the car right through the front of the coffee shop. i imagine the tires slipping uncontrollably into the curb, the SUV lifting in the air for a split second, then the sudden blow of the car's hood shattering through the glass. i hear the panicked screaming of the startled parents, the young girls frightened and bewildered face... and i laugh.

coffee and cigarettes remind me of depression.

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 17:23:23 GMT

not writing at all is far more simple than trying to search the words for a description of what i'm going through.

my view of self will always be more important than the views of anyone else

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 06:45:41 GMT

i've always seen my past as something sort of subjective. for me, there are plenty of things i've just kind of dimmed from my memory; usually because what is hurtful for me is not hurtful for anyone else.

most people are able to recollect the grand aspects of their childhoods in a rosey, sepia tinted film light. well, i'm afraid i've remembered everything. i haven't had a terribly troubling life, atleast not until i turned twelve. i don't think things really started to go wrong until i hit puberty.

once i lost my childhood, i really lost it, and no, that is not just per se. it is the full-fledged ugly duckling effect, and i didn't lose my eccentricity until i started to accept it.

nobody really values what they have until they nearly lose it, and i assure you, i've gone from losing it all, gaining it back, and losing it again. i have no value that is too high a price to seek anymore.

sometimes, i kind of vaguely miss anesthetics because they are terribly numbing, but most times, when i'm intoxicated, i miss knowing what experience is like.

never ask why, we say goodbye....

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 18:14:05 GMT

i was browsing through some old online journals of mine, and found this less than flattering poem.

eroded film strips
plastered to a frail screen
we're solidly glued
watching fatuous forms
play their parts
you've always occurred
as a melodramatic
solitude slit tragic hero
whose book is wide open
stuffed with cray paper
torn on the corners
words falling off their
fragile pages
i've only been
a faint-hearted soul
re-wiring
the workings of those she
swears she hurts
with nowhere
to dispose
of her dreams
the tale
of star-crossed visionaries
who resolute to grasp
the concept of nothing
beyond the places where
prosperity is a value
too high to keep
we watch like mindless viewers
patronage to tell a story
there's no way
to revive this weary image
love's lost it's glory

i was nineteen when it was written. funny the outlooks we may have once held can transform in the matter of a few years. god knows what i'll be like a few years from now.

i'm sick, very flu-like, but i don't mind. i like doing nothing but laying in bed and reading, and having an excuse.

1.Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
haha no.

2. What would you do with a 1,000 plastic spoons?
1,000 spoons.. um, i'd build a giant spoon bridge to the moon.

3. What did you do when you weren't in school in the 2nd grade?
pfftt how in the hell am i suppose to remember that.. watch walt disney movies i guess?

4. What was the best thing about school?
my old friends and my ex girlfriend.

5. Do you like more than one person right now?
honestly, i dont like anyone right now.. i'm going through a "oh my god i hate you all" phase.

6. Are you against same sex marriage?
no.

7. Did you vote for Bush?
ick.. no no no! bush smells like baked beans.

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
in march i'm going to victoria with two friends of mine.. i dont know if that counts as a vacation though.

10. Are most of your friends guys or girls?
i have three "girl" friends, and two "guy friend" .. so i'm guessing the girls win.

11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
no.

12. Last book you read?
some book by anne rice.. i cant remember the name.

13. If you could have one super power what would it be?
i'm really not sure.

14. Where have you lived most of your life?
texas.

15. What was the last convo you had about?
i think it was about relationships and love.

16. Where do you see yourself in four years?
nowhere near texas.

17. What's your favorite smell?
bad kitty. ♥

18. What is your favorite sound?
music and the sound of rain hitting my window.

19. Are you moody?
oh hell yes.

20. Favorite movie of all time?
eek i have three.. benny and joon, alfie, and just married.

21. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your classmate?
yes. maybe. no. i'm not sure.

22. Have you ever gone to therapy?
haha yes.

23. Have you ever Played Spin the bottle?
i do believe so.

24. Have you ever Toilet papered someone's house?
fucking yes i have.

25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
yes.

26. Have you ever gone camping?
sadly yes.

27. Have you ever had a crush on your brothers friend?
yeah how about not.

28. Have you ever gone to a nude beach?
nope.

29. Have you ever gone streaking?
LOL yes.. yes i have, me and my "i am the yetti" self.

30. Have you ever had a stalker?
eh.. i dont know.

31. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
i think i have.. but i'm not to sure.

32. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
haha yes, especially last night.

33. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober person?
yeah.. but there was atleast two or three other sober people there.

35. Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend?
yes.

36. Have you ever lied to your parents?
yuppppp. a lot.

37. Have you ever been out of the US?
yes.

38. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
nope.

39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat?
haha those elementary hurr cuts were always awful.

40. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day?
yeah.

42. Have you ever spied on someone?
lol YES!

43. Have you ever slept with one of your co-workers?
...

45. Who was the last person who called you?
the oh so wonderful andi

46. When was the last time you slept for more then 12 hours straight?
i really dont know.

47. Have you ever been arrested?
sadly yes.

48. Most embarassing CD you own?
i like all my cds, even my kelly clarkson yo.

49. Have you ever stolen anything?
yes.

50. Have you ever drank egg nog?
yes.

everyone go do this.. it seems interesting.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=infelicity

Sat, 18 Feb 2006 17:13:32 GMT

i've always been fascinated with bipolar disorder, especially since i believe it has a notion of humanism. we are all wavering, some more so then others, and to diagnose this as an infestation, a disease, is silly to me.

of course, all of these instances of mood intensity are different. what i consider silly in my own light might be a burden for someone else, it all depends on situation. my most recent ex diagnosed me with manic depression, i feel it isn't accurate. i do believe it's a disease, such as depression, but i just don't see how ridding of it will do myself any good. medication is not an option in my case, i have learned, because most of them just leave me sicker. i decided my issues are not based on chemical imbalances, but rather, my perception of them.

for those of you who haven't met me in real life (the vast majority), by my caustic journal entries, you would probably think of me as a downcast pessimist who usually keeps to themselves. that is an aspect of who i am, though, not my only face.

for those of you who have, you would probably describe me as humorous, outspoken, childlike, wide eyed, dream-like, and freakishly friendly when i'm in a good mood. a naturally high person.

i am a constantly wavering person. i do have bipolar disorder, i've just never seen it as a disorder. i try to deal with my wavering as it comes, full heartedly living it in every aspect

the drugs make me sick and the helpful conversations make me dwell. i like living like this better because everything feels worthwhile.

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 18:49:06 GMT

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)

Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic

What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays

Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 07:24:19 GMT

i feel like an insomniac. more drugs. more bad things, and though i will fail in explaining them. it's one of those moments that words cannot explain, and that only visuals will be of use, but everything is futile. everything is infinitely shameful. i feel like i've let myself slip through my morals.

i gave a random girl my cell phone number. i guess because honestly, i don't want to be hooked on any one person anymore. it's probably better since i'm branching out that i don't pay attention to one person.

she did call. she called twice today. she wants to meet me right now. she just wants sex. she actually thinks she’ll get some. from ME! how amusing.

i don’t really know why i’m even still writing. i have nothing profound to say; i just feel rejected.

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 19:54:50 GMT

valentine's day is such a trite, silly holiday. i simply don't get anything out of it, in a relationship or not..

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 06:54:13 GMT

saw ghostland observatory tonight.. i have to say i was quite impressed with their performance.
on the 22nd, honorary title is in austin, so i may go check them out.

other than that.. nothing. i may sit on aim for an hour or so, hopefully i'll become somewhat tired.. more and likely not though. i've been really restless as of late.
eh.. here's a quiz i just took.

You are a SORROWFUL person.
Although you may seem completely happy on the

outside(or not), you are actually breaking on

the inside. Perhaps it is because you have

been wronged in the past? Or it might simply

be that you are lonesome or misunderstood.

Your eyes hold a great amount of sadness no

smile can lift, and it is that which

identifies you as a depressed person. You

might not cry that often in public, but it

does happen behind closed doors.

Your traits:
*Depression
*Sorrow
*Intuitive
*Imaginative
*Compassionate
*Solitary
*Sensitivity

Your Color: Gray/ Light blue/ Black
Your Quote: "Behind this smile is everything

you'll never understand."

.oOo. What Are You Really Like Inside?[ Anime pics included.] .oOo.
brought to you by Quizilla

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 17:00:55 GMT

top five names for my kids [if i ever have them]:

girls:
1. ariadne
2. versaila
3. winter-jade
4. anala
5. analila

boys:
1. skye
2. gabriel
3. christian
4. elijah
5. ira

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 22:09:29 GMT

i'm so hungry.

i can tell what all of this will do. i can barely live with myself afterwards. if she leaves me, i'll move on, as i always move on. i will drink, as i always drink. i will ache as i always ache. losing her is just a denial, as if it isn't self induced.

i am not a person who can be left crippled ever again by a girl. i am not the same person i was a year ago because it's true that whatever love was left in me has stumbled, and died. i cut it out.

do i think i've had enough? honestly, i've had too much. maybe this is just a process of mourning in which i persecute myself for my own imprudence, but, it was my fault to begin with. no amount of exceeding intelligence can change that. next time i shall not mix drugs so heavily, for in this state, i am all too honest to want to lie to myself about how i am victimized. i was never a victim. this is all my fault.